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Top 10 Ways to Know You are a Cancer
Survivor
"all you need to beat cancer is the
right attitude." convertible car instead. cholesterol and you actually
listen. the day you were diagnosed. A
religious man discovers that he has testicular cancer, and decides to pray
for a miracle. The next day he visits a urologist, who tells him he must have
surgery immediately. He tells the doctor "I do not want you to remove my
testicle, I am praying for a miracle from God". Then he visits a
radiologist, who tells him that he must begin radiation therapy immediately.
He tells the doctor "I do not want you to expose my body to radiation, I
am putting my faith in God." Finally he visits an oncologist, who tells
him that he must start chemotherapy immediately. He tells the doctor "I
do not want you to inject me with caustic chemicals, God will heal me."
A few months later he dies and goes to heaven, where he is very upset and
asks God why he didn't give him a miracle. God replies "I gave you three
miracles, a urologist, an oncologist and a radiologist, but you chose to
ignore them." A
patient visited his urologist for testicular cancer and expressed concern
about being able to perform after the operation. The patient was also worried
about the chemotherapy. The doctor said "I too had testicular cancer a
few years ago. Ten days after the operation I made passionate love with my
wife, and forgot all my worries. Try it and see for yourself." Three
weeks later the patient returns, and thanks the doctor effusively. The doctor
says "I'm glad my advice helped." The patient thanks him again, and
as he's leaving says "By the way Doctor, you have a really beautiful
house." Cancer cures smoking,
eventually. When I told a friend that I
have cancer, he replied "I thought you were an Aries?". A man
hears from his doctor that he has cancer and only has six months to live. The
doctor recommends that he marry an accountant and move to Cultra. The man
asks, "Will this cure my cancer?" "No," said the doctor,
"but the six months will seem much longer!" Doctor: I've got your test results and I have
some bad news. You have cancer and Alzheimer's. Patient: Boy, am I lucky! I was afraid I had
cancer! Q What do you call a person who
has a compulsion to get lymphoma over and over again? A A Lymphomaniac. On
board a flight to London, the pilot announced, "That thump you heard was
our last engine conking out. I'm really sorry to tell you this, but we are
going to crash into the ocean." In
the stunned silence that followed, an angry voice spoke out. "Dammit!
That stupid doctor of mine! He said I was going to die of cancer." Why did the cancer victim
cross the road? He was hoping to get hit by a
truck Mary
was walking through Tesco’s when she ran into Harry, who she hadn't seen in a
couple of years. They got to talking and eventually Harry enquired after
Grahame; her husband. ‘Oh
Dear: haven't you heard? Unfortunately he’s no longer with us.’ ‘What
dead?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘I’m
sorry to hear that. If it’s not too intrusive, can I enquire what he died
of?’ .The
big C got him.’ ‘Oh
my God.’ he replied. ‘Cancer is so common nowadays.’ ‘Ah
no it wasn’t cancer, he fell overboard the Belfast Liverpool ferry, and
drowned in “THE
BIG SEA.’ |
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Jokes, mostly
about cancer, hospitals, or just life. A man
isn't feeling well, so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor examines him,
and then asks to speak with his wife. The doctor tells his wife that her
husband has cancer. The wife asks "can he be cured?". The doctor
replies "there's a chance we can cure him with chemotherapy, but you
will need to take care of him every day for the next year -- cooking all the
meals, cleaning up the vomit, changing the bed pan, driving him to the
hospital for daily treatments, and so on". When the wife comes out to
the waiting room, the husband asks her what the doctor said. The wife answers
"he said that you're going to die". How
can nurses stand to work in busy hospitals? They
have lots of patients. What
do you call a doctor who is always on the telephone? An
ON-CALLogist. What
do you call bugs with cancer? MalignANT and BEEnign. |
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An
Irishman named Mike O'Leary went to his doctor after a long illness. The
doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Mike in the eye and
said, "I've some bad news for you... you have a cancer known as
Galloping Leukaemia and it can't be cured. I give you two weeks to a
month." Mike,
who was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to
compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.
There he saw his son, who had been waiting. Mike said, "Son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well.
In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a
short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After
three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were
some laughs, some tears, and more beers. They were eventually approached by
some of Mike's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Mike told
them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them
that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've
only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The
friends gave O'Leary their condolences and they all had a few more beers. After
his friends left, Mike's son leaned over and whispered in confusion,
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told
your friends that you were dying from AIDS." Mike
replied, "I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them
sleeping with your mother after I'm gone. Three
buddies were talking about death and dying. One asked, "When you're in
your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to
hear them say about you?" The
first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor
of my time and a great family man." The
second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow." The
last guy says, "I would like to hear them say LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!" Q How many cancer patients does it
take to screw in a light bulb? A. Just one, but it takes a support
group to cheer him on, and there's a lot of grieving afterwards. What's the difference between
God and a doctor God doesn't think he’s a
doctor Q What’s the difference between an oral and
a rectal thermometer? A The taste Real
Doctor's Notes 40-pound weight gain in the last
three days. What's the difference between
a skinhead and a cancer victim? What's the difference between
a cancer victim and someone with AIDS? How many cancer victims does
it take to change a light bulb? A cancer victim walks into a
bar. The bartender says "So, what'll you have?" The cancer victim replies,
"A malignant tumour eating away my decrepit body." What does chemotherapy have in
common with its patients? You know what's so great about
cancer? Nothing. Did you hear that they finally
found a cure for cancer? It’s called Death!!! I hope you liked the jokes,
and didn’t find any of them too offensive. What about cancer cartoons?
Here’s a site designed by a fellow sufferer and it’s full of cancer cartoons. Click on the cartoons, then
’cancer island’ at the top of the page, and then ’toons’. |
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Two
old baseball buddies with lung cancer were chatting on a park bench. Paul
says, "I hope they have a baseball team in heaven." "Me
too", says Jack. "Tell
you what", says Paul, "If I die first, I'll give you a message
about whether there is baseball in Heaven. If you die first, you can do the
same for me." A
year later, Paul is dead and Jack is sitting on the park bench when he hears:
"Jack, it's me, Paul. I have great news! Guess what. There really is a
baseball team in heaven." "Thank
God", sighs Jack, "Now I can die in peace." "I'm
glad you feel that way," says Paul, "because you're pitching
tomorrow! |
